The importance of being juvenile

 Believe it or not us grown-ups are a lot more adult and mature than we might think. It's true. Even a grown-up like me who watches cartoons, plays videogames and has learnt many of his great moral lessons via superheroes, giant robots and He-Man. We have all learnt a lot about adult interaction, social etiquette and emotional boundaries just from spending time with other people. Sometimes we can forget this is in fact learned behaviour. Which is why thinking like a kid can be hard.

 For example, we have days we feel like shit. There is no "real" reason to feel bad or down, but we do anyway. But we have a that rational part of our brain that tells us that, we can see the reasons we feel the way we do. We didn't always do that though. Not when we were kids. When we were kids we'd sulk and cry and throw a tantrum and no amount of logical argument would change our mindset. We, as adults, don't do this ...unless we have twitter of course, in which case meltdowns are aplenty. I'm not saying we don't all lose it from time to time, of course we do, but experience has taught us the best ways to generally handle and direct our frustrations.

 Basically all this preamble is my attempt to intellectually justify the following: Not too long the MiniMosher had a tantrum on us and I don't think I handled it brilliantly.

 One day the MiniMosher had worked himself into a tizzy. I believe it started as him waking up and being grumpy as he was just tired and worn out. However as the morning progressed his mood and attitude worsened until he was just being unbearable standoffish over every single thing said to him. It eventually reached the point when his mum, My Lady, had to stand in and say something. My Lady calmly but sternly told him if he didn't stop behaving that way that he'd be in trouble. Not that he was in trouble, just that he would if he continued. I believe it's fair to say the MiniMosher didn't take this warning with any sort of quiet contemplation. He argued, moaned and yelled. There was a lot of I-haven't-done-anything's and why-are-you-so-unfair-me's and even a some why-is-everyone-shouting-at-me's (even though nobody but him had shouted). My Lady, to her credit, stood firm and calm throughout so that when he finally calmed down he could see he was in wrong.

 Before the calming down happened though I decided I'd step up and stand in. I figured my calm collective reasoning and sensible straightforward points would end this whole pointless argument. After all, all the MiniMosher had to do stop him getting told off was stop yelling and arguing. There was nothing we were actually arguing over so if he could just stop it now everything would be fine again but him continuing was creating the hostile situation over nothing. It was a fool-proof line reasoning that would sort everything out.

 It didn't work. Not even a little. My Lady's approach was right after all.

 Afterwards as I talked to her I queried why he wouldn't calm down and how he couldn't see that if he just stopped acting up then everything would be fine again. She concisely, and correctly, informed me "because he's nine".

 Seems like such an obvious explanation but in practise it's very easy to overlook it. I don't remember the things I got upset about when I was nine but I'm sure if I compare them to what upsets me now they would seem rather petty. Sometimes there may have been no reason at all, I'm sure.

 When you have baby and watch it grow I'd assume you not only watch it grown physically but mentally too. You see how they develop and where they are in terms with how they deal with their own emotions. When you are a NotDad you are essentially dropped in the middle somewhere. You don't know how that child deals with his or her emotions and, just as importantly, how you should deal with that happening until it all breaks down a little.

 So, yeah, we are all a bit more adult than we think. So adult that a lot of us wouldn't understand why a kid has a meaningless tantrum because the concept is now so ancient. Everyone should enjoy their childish side, but at the same time appreciate some of the bad childish things we are no longer burdened by. After all, you and I are much less likely to go into wild hysterics in the middle of a busy supermarket than a child.

 ...unless we are on twitter, of course.


 

Happy NotDad's Day!

 We all have obligations. That's fine, nothing wrong with that. We need to accept the responsibilities we have and make good on them. What really speaks volumes however is the stuff we do aren't obliged to do. The things we do just because we have a passion to do them. That's how it should be with such things. As people though we sometimes turn such things into obligations, doing it because we have before or because everyone else does. When that happens we can lose sight of what these acts signified to us in the first place, so it's always nice when someone can remind us.

 I had a bit of surprise about three weekends ago. On Sunday morning. I was woken by My Lady calling the MiniMosher through to our room and telling "remember that thing you were doing this week?". At hearing this the MiniMosher bolted out of bedroom only to return with a small bag of presents for me. And I tell this first without giving you any of the context of why I was given these presents to you that maybe you might get get an idea of how surprised I was.

 But to make sense of this little act of context I should probably fill you in on the bigger picture.

 You see, about three weekends ago it was Father's day and it just so happened the MiniMosher had been staying with us that particular weekend. I was oblivious to this particular day meaning to anything to me personally. I mean, obviously, I wanted to wish my dad all the best because he's my dad, I love him and he's pretty damn awesome even if I do say myself (look Dad, you made it into my blog). But to me, well, I figured it would just be another day. It wasn't going to be a day ABOUT me, is what I'm trying to say. After all, the MiniMosher would want all festivities to go to his Dad. And although I figured that in time we would begin to see me as a second Dad, I honestly didn't think it would be so soon.

 As far as step-parenting goes, this must be how feels to arrive. Like when band feel like they've arrived when they play their first big headline gig. In terms of being a NotDad I was pretty much crowd surfing at the O2 Arena while playing a guitar solo.

 Now, I'm gonna get a bit on the emotional, gushy side. I try to this keep this blog light, funny and easy-going but I can't overstate how much this meant to me. If there was a statement that MiniMosher cares about me as much as I do about him, this was it. I remember My Lady saying to the MiniMosher as I reeling from the surprise "told you he'd probably cry a little" ...that's right, there were tears. Obviously manly, rocker tears that split the floorboards as the struck them, but tears none the less. And those tears were caused by one particular present. A photo frame. A little silver photo frame with the words "Family" along the top and photo within it of My Lady, the MiniMosher and myself all standing together. Wow.

 My Lady was beaming with pride later as she told me how he had picked all the presents himself and insisted on using all his own pocket money to get them. The little man had acquitted himself so well.

 Father's Day is now a big deal to me. Bigger than it was before. Okay, it may be a kind of made up holiday but that doesn't mean it can't have a big sentiment behind it. On Father's Day this year the MiniMosher showed he had chosen me to be part of his family, to be one of his Dads. He was under no obligation to do so, it's something he wanted to do. I think maybe on Father's and Mother's day we sometimes we give cards and gifts out of habit without thinking about what we are saying by giving them. As someone who wasn't a father last year, I realise by giving those cards and gifts we are letting those people know the stature they have in our lives and esteem we hold them in inside our hearts. We are their family. So when you give or receive these presents, no matter how small they are, remember what they mean to your whole family.

 Happy belated Father's Day and happy early Mother's Day to Mums, Dads, StepMums and NotDads everywhere.

Traits of the trade

 We all have a series of traits that make us recognisable to the people who know us. These can be physical or personality traits. They can be in the way we move or our mannerisms. It can be our bad habits and our involuntary movements. They can be learnt  from the people we spent time with or the things we enjoy. It can even simply be the accent in which we talk. Sometimes it's the little things we do that stand out to everyone who views us.

 For example when I am sitting for a certain length of time (like when it takes me longer than it should to write my blog posts) I have a habit of bending my neck side to side to loosen it off. It's such a small insignificant thing to me yet I often find people are amused by it being something I "always do". It's something I wouldn't even take note of, but because it's genuinely something people notice I do.

 I imagine one of the great things of being a parent is observing the traits that your child gets from you. You often hear families talk of whose eyes they have or who they are the spitting the imagine of. As those kids grow you get see who they take after personality wise, whose mannerisms they pick and how they incorporate all into becoming there own person. That's something you really should take the time to appreciate being a part of. It's something I feel honoured to be a part of. Although being a NotDad it's maybe not quite as straight forward.

 When I made the full-on move to being a full-time parent the MiniMosher was already eight years old. Even though I had already known the little guy for years, stepping in as permanent adult figurehead is a quite a big change from being a friend of the family. When I did make the big move the MiniMosher was already a fully formed little human. And being the NotDad pretty much means you haven't provided any of the genetic make-up that went into making your kid so they aren't gonna bear any of your physical traits either. Furthermore, being as it is that I hail from Scotland and the MiniMosher was born and raised in Liverpool, England it means our accents weren't even the same nationality. So logically when you step-up to step-parent you are pretty much going to be taking on a youngster that has none of your traits. Well, at first anyway...

 I've found that caring enough to want to engage and look after you step-kid can have more of an influence than you might realise. Firstly let me just clarify that this little piece of writing is about someone's traits and not about how well you get along or how much stuff you do together. There was never any problem on that front. Me and MiniMosher have always got on and whatever stage our relationship was at it's always been enjoyable. I'm pretty much a thirty-plus child so finding things I like to do with the wee guy was never a hardship and was always pleasure. We had our things we did together and our own little blend back and forth. However having that much input into his life has had subconscious effect too.

 Remember that time I told you about that habit I have of bending my neck side-to-side? Those were good times, right? Well not so long ago myself, My Lady and the MiniMosher were all sitting watching TV in the lounge. As we do. And why not? It's our lounge we can do what we like in it! A perfectly nice and non-eventful evening. Non-eventfully apart from a small but meaningful observation My Lady made. For after the little man had gone to bed My Lady made a remark to me.

 "Did you see what he was doing?"

 Of course, with me being the razor minded fellow who let's nothing get passed him that I am, I replied "No, What?"

 "He was doing that thing you do with your neck. Where you move it side-to-side. Exactly the way you do"

 There are so many things me and the MiniMosher do together. So many little in-jokes. So many things that  our just "our thing". But that was the first time he'd ever unknowingly and involuntarily copied one of my mannerisms and took on one of my traits. Yes, I realise it's a very small thing but sometimes the small things mean very big stuff. And the fact that I appreciated this one small thing so much is possibility one of the advantages I have as a NotDad. Maybe a parent whose kid is already like them in so many other ways wouldn't take stock of how important and complete their effect of just being there for their young one is when such a humble, tiny mimicked action is observed.

 So the next time your child, whether they be biologically yours or not, does or says something you do without even registering that's it's you they got it from you can give yourself a big pat on the back from me my friend. You are on the right track.

Being the Bad Guy

 Once upon a time I was stuck on a half an hour bus trip. The destination of this journey isn't important, what is important is the somewhat awkward experience I had during it. You see for duration of my journey I had a mother and child sitting in the seat behind me. Said child was a little girl who couldn't have been more than four years old. Oh, and she was annoying! I don't say this in a "aren't all kids annoying?" way, I say it in a "kids are fine but this kid is actually annoying" way. And this annoyance was pointed directly at me. The entirety of the journey was spent with her kicking the back of my chair and intermittently poking or hitting the back of my head. Now be honest, that would annoy you, would it not?

 The thing is though, it wasn't really this little girl that I was getting hacked off with, not really anyway. I mean, yes, it was frustrating being irritated the whole way. But that's what kids do, they are curious so they investigate, poke and kick things to see what happens ...and they don't stop till something happens or someone stops them. But the only thing this parent did in any attempt to control or discipline her child was to say to her "that man is going to turn round and tell you off in a minute". Seriously, she put a total stranger on a bus in charge disciplining her own child. So it was the parent's attitude that really got to me. These days I would probably have said something to her, but back then being the young man crippled by a chronic lack of confidence I was I simply endured in discontent until I departed the bus.

 Now obviously it's wrong that this woman effectively put me charge of disciplining her kid with no idea who I was or how my telling off would manifest itself. For all she knew I might have expressed my upset through headbutts and stabbings. But it also felt wrong because, well, what right do I have to tell off someone else's child? I know nothing of their life at home or what methods their parents or guardians use as means of educating them. I could inadvertently undo a lot of important progress that had been made with them. So I always made it a point to stay out of that side of things with other people's children.

 However this is an attitude I've recently had to break and it can be a bigger barrier to get over than you might think. When I arrived on the scene as a NotDad I had to essentially start telling off someone else's child and had to learn how to do it right. I've always been the guy who would report any misbehaviour to the appropriate responsible party. Now I am the appropriate responsible party.

 Now being the bad guy that has to say stuff like "no" or "stop" or "I said do it now" or "I swear to Satan I will kill you if you keep that up" to the MiniMosher may not have been the most fun step I've had to take but has been one of the most essential. Being a bigger part of a kid's life can't be fun and games all the time and I've found that making it clear you hold at least some of the authority does really help establish you as part of the household.

 That's not say I always get it right, I don't. There is always the risk of being to strict or soft on him. Usually the second one because I'm a total pushover. And I'm easily disarmed by laughter. Seriously, the MiniMosher knows if he can make me laugh then can completely undermine me. But that's all a learning curve. I've never adopted the whole "it's all about setting the tone the first time" attitude anyway. That's pretty much saying "if you don't get this perfect first time you've ruined everything" and that just a bit too much pressure to be putting on yourself. Plus it's not like I'm alone in this, My Lady has helped and guided through when I have to start putting my foot down. I applaud her training too, she must feel like she's teaching a toddler how to be parent sometimes.

 Basically I've had to suck it up and drop my old attitudes, because there is always the looming threat that at some point the MiniMosher is going to have a party or have friends round to stay. And when/if that happens I potentially will not only have to be in charge of my NotSon who isn't my child but also other kids who are not my children or my NotChildren. And when one of the MiniMosher's friends starts up, won't share, misbehaves or, god forbid, tries to play with one of my toys I'm going to have to be the guy who can tell off other people's kids in a firm but fair fashion. So that's what I'm working towards now. I just hope none of them irritate me while I'm on the bus, because I will headbutt and stab them.

Transitional periods

 You know what I did today? Well if you don't care you probably want to stop reading now because it's pretty clear from that opening statement that I'm going to tell you. I read the newsletter from the local primary school that the MiniMosher attends.

 It got me thinking about how things change. Gone are the days I used to spend my days off dossing about the house, playing videogames and pissing about online. Nowadays my day off consists of dossing about the house, playing videogames, pissing about online and taking the time to read a newsletter. Wow, life really is crazy.

 But although that may be one relatively small change, things really have changed. Originally I was going to make this first proper blog about how me becoming a NotDad all started, but then I realised the starting point wasn't as straightforward as that. Maybe the starting point for some people is straightforward. You meet someone, they have a child and eventually you make the decision whether or not to rise to the challenge of being there for that child.

 Things were different for us though because me and My Lady were already in each other's lives before we were together. Now that's not such an unusual, best friends falling in love is something that happens. Why wouldn't it? Your best friend is potentially the person you are closest to and trust the most. It's perfectly understandable that would make the ideal foundation for a relationship -  it did for me. However there will always be a transition period when a relationship changes. It's not necessarily a bad period, it's just the time  you take to work out what's different and what's the same.

 My relationship with My Lady wasn't the only one which changed though, because being best friends with her also meant I was already part of the MiniMosher's life too. My standing in his life used to much different though. As friend of the family I wasn't responsible for his care, it wasn't me that had to discipline him and I certainly didn't go to the effort of reading the newsletter his school sent. I was the guy who showed up once every so often to amuse and entertain him. It was all play on the times I saw him. This afforded me a position where I was the fun guy at all times; of course you can't do that when taking on a parental role, not all the time anyway. So over the last year I've seen lots of little changes in my relationship with the MiniMosher and in the way I live my life.

 I've seen changes in the way I feel too. Falling in love with your best friend is a big deal, but falling in love with their kid to point you feel they are yours despite there being no genetic link can really take you by surprise. And all those little changes I've made? Well, I really only notice them retrospectively. I see them when I look back and see how things used to be. When it came down actually making those changes they were just made, they had to be because it was for something important to me. There is still a lot I've got to learn and things I haven't encountered, so maybe in some ways the transitional period is still going. Or maybe life is always in transition and we only really take stock of those changes we make during the big moments like moving somewhere new, starting a new relationship, births, deaths, marriages and so forth.

 All I know is that when I look back to where I was year ago I see how dramatically things have changed. I used to live on my own, I used to take each day as it came, I had a best friend who lived 200 miles away,  and I thought the world of her little boy. Now I live with my best friend, my best friend is also My Lady, I'm responsible for her and her little boy and instead of living day-to-day I look forward to the future. Ultimately I feel like I'm part of a family and, what's more, I think of that family as my family.

 And on top of all that ...I read school newsletters. Like I said, life really is crazy.

 

What is a Not Dad?

 So how do we start? Maybe a little explanation. Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Some idea of what the hell is going on might help. So, yes, let's start with that.

 This blog has been started purely with the intent of chronicling my experiences of being a NotDad. There, glad we got that sorted.

 ...oh, wait, that's not quite explained everything yet, has it? Some of you won't know what a NotDad is. And the rest of you have probably worked it out but would really like me to patronise you a bit longer. So in the interest of keeping everyone happy I will explain further.

 You see, I had this friend. My best friend. My best friend who was also a lady. And after awhile me and my best friend realised we were more than best friends. So it came to be that this best friend who was also a lady became my lady.

 ...but that's not all. Because my lady has a little boy. A little, geeky, mini-mosher of a boy. He's eight years old at time of writing this and he's become a huge part of my life. So I've stepped up and taken him on as part of my responsibilities. Because I love My Lady and, well, I love the MiniMosher.

 Thing is though, I'm not his dad, not technically. And I suppose if we are being technical then I'm not actually his stepdad either. Not yet anyway. And even if was or even if I do become that I've never liked the word "StepDad". It's so stuffy. It's also kind of condescending, like it's a word that's supposed to remind you of your place. No, it's just not for me and it's not for us.

 So my friends; Welcome to my adventure of being a NotDad.