Being the Bad Guy

 Once upon a time I was stuck on a half an hour bus trip. The destination of this journey isn't important, what is important is the somewhat awkward experience I had during it. You see for duration of my journey I had a mother and child sitting in the seat behind me. Said child was a little girl who couldn't have been more than four years old. Oh, and she was annoying! I don't say this in a "aren't all kids annoying?" way, I say it in a "kids are fine but this kid is actually annoying" way. And this annoyance was pointed directly at me. The entirety of the journey was spent with her kicking the back of my chair and intermittently poking or hitting the back of my head. Now be honest, that would annoy you, would it not?

 The thing is though, it wasn't really this little girl that I was getting hacked off with, not really anyway. I mean, yes, it was frustrating being irritated the whole way. But that's what kids do, they are curious so they investigate, poke and kick things to see what happens ...and they don't stop till something happens or someone stops them. But the only thing this parent did in any attempt to control or discipline her child was to say to her "that man is going to turn round and tell you off in a minute". Seriously, she put a total stranger on a bus in charge disciplining her own child. So it was the parent's attitude that really got to me. These days I would probably have said something to her, but back then being the young man crippled by a chronic lack of confidence I was I simply endured in discontent until I departed the bus.

 Now obviously it's wrong that this woman effectively put me charge of disciplining her kid with no idea who I was or how my telling off would manifest itself. For all she knew I might have expressed my upset through headbutts and stabbings. But it also felt wrong because, well, what right do I have to tell off someone else's child? I know nothing of their life at home or what methods their parents or guardians use as means of educating them. I could inadvertently undo a lot of important progress that had been made with them. So I always made it a point to stay out of that side of things with other people's children.

 However this is an attitude I've recently had to break and it can be a bigger barrier to get over than you might think. When I arrived on the scene as a NotDad I had to essentially start telling off someone else's child and had to learn how to do it right. I've always been the guy who would report any misbehaviour to the appropriate responsible party. Now I am the appropriate responsible party.

 Now being the bad guy that has to say stuff like "no" or "stop" or "I said do it now" or "I swear to Satan I will kill you if you keep that up" to the MiniMosher may not have been the most fun step I've had to take but has been one of the most essential. Being a bigger part of a kid's life can't be fun and games all the time and I've found that making it clear you hold at least some of the authority does really help establish you as part of the household.

 That's not say I always get it right, I don't. There is always the risk of being to strict or soft on him. Usually the second one because I'm a total pushover. And I'm easily disarmed by laughter. Seriously, the MiniMosher knows if he can make me laugh then can completely undermine me. But that's all a learning curve. I've never adopted the whole "it's all about setting the tone the first time" attitude anyway. That's pretty much saying "if you don't get this perfect first time you've ruined everything" and that just a bit too much pressure to be putting on yourself. Plus it's not like I'm alone in this, My Lady has helped and guided through when I have to start putting my foot down. I applaud her training too, she must feel like she's teaching a toddler how to be parent sometimes.

 Basically I've had to suck it up and drop my old attitudes, because there is always the looming threat that at some point the MiniMosher is going to have a party or have friends round to stay. And when/if that happens I potentially will not only have to be in charge of my NotSon who isn't my child but also other kids who are not my children or my NotChildren. And when one of the MiniMosher's friends starts up, won't share, misbehaves or, god forbid, tries to play with one of my toys I'm going to have to be the guy who can tell off other people's kids in a firm but fair fashion. So that's what I'm working towards now. I just hope none of them irritate me while I'm on the bus, because I will headbutt and stab them.

Transitional periods

 You know what I did today? Well if you don't care you probably want to stop reading now because it's pretty clear from that opening statement that I'm going to tell you. I read the newsletter from the local primary school that the MiniMosher attends.

 It got me thinking about how things change. Gone are the days I used to spend my days off dossing about the house, playing videogames and pissing about online. Nowadays my day off consists of dossing about the house, playing videogames, pissing about online and taking the time to read a newsletter. Wow, life really is crazy.

 But although that may be one relatively small change, things really have changed. Originally I was going to make this first proper blog about how me becoming a NotDad all started, but then I realised the starting point wasn't as straightforward as that. Maybe the starting point for some people is straightforward. You meet someone, they have a child and eventually you make the decision whether or not to rise to the challenge of being there for that child.

 Things were different for us though because me and My Lady were already in each other's lives before we were together. Now that's not such an unusual, best friends falling in love is something that happens. Why wouldn't it? Your best friend is potentially the person you are closest to and trust the most. It's perfectly understandable that would make the ideal foundation for a relationship -  it did for me. However there will always be a transition period when a relationship changes. It's not necessarily a bad period, it's just the time  you take to work out what's different and what's the same.

 My relationship with My Lady wasn't the only one which changed though, because being best friends with her also meant I was already part of the MiniMosher's life too. My standing in his life used to much different though. As friend of the family I wasn't responsible for his care, it wasn't me that had to discipline him and I certainly didn't go to the effort of reading the newsletter his school sent. I was the guy who showed up once every so often to amuse and entertain him. It was all play on the times I saw him. This afforded me a position where I was the fun guy at all times; of course you can't do that when taking on a parental role, not all the time anyway. So over the last year I've seen lots of little changes in my relationship with the MiniMosher and in the way I live my life.

 I've seen changes in the way I feel too. Falling in love with your best friend is a big deal, but falling in love with their kid to point you feel they are yours despite there being no genetic link can really take you by surprise. And all those little changes I've made? Well, I really only notice them retrospectively. I see them when I look back and see how things used to be. When it came down actually making those changes they were just made, they had to be because it was for something important to me. There is still a lot I've got to learn and things I haven't encountered, so maybe in some ways the transitional period is still going. Or maybe life is always in transition and we only really take stock of those changes we make during the big moments like moving somewhere new, starting a new relationship, births, deaths, marriages and so forth.

 All I know is that when I look back to where I was year ago I see how dramatically things have changed. I used to live on my own, I used to take each day as it came, I had a best friend who lived 200 miles away,  and I thought the world of her little boy. Now I live with my best friend, my best friend is also My Lady, I'm responsible for her and her little boy and instead of living day-to-day I look forward to the future. Ultimately I feel like I'm part of a family and, what's more, I think of that family as my family.

 And on top of all that ...I read school newsletters. Like I said, life really is crazy.